THE LONG ONE

Today I'm going to demystify the blogger world for most of you folks. There are bloggers and social media guys and gals out there making millions of dollars just by posting stuff online. Yes I said millions. Most of the really popular instagrammers, especially the fashion ones...those pretty perfect pictures they post...can go for upwards of $10,000 PER INSTAGRAM PICTURE. Pretty much every single thing you see in their blog posts or Instagram posts they receive for free. Beyond that, not only do they get free clothes, accessories, makeup etc, but they also CHARGE to wear these free clothes and post photos of it. The trips they take, all free and paid for. Usually this turns into brand collaborations or even their own clothing or beauty lines. It can be pretty darn lucrative. It's a pretty sweet gig, especially if you truly love fashion and beauty stuff. But it isn't easy, they really do work their butts off for it.  It actually takes a lot of hard work and organizing and blah blah blah. And generally, they work more than 40 hours a week, it's definitely not a 9-5 job.

However, It takes a while to get to this level, usually years of consistent posting. Most of the market is tapped out now, so unless you are offering something vastly different, you won't ever get to that level. Especially if you are doing fashion or makeup and beauty posting...it's too saturated to be a new comer these days, yes even in the plus size market. There are actually tons of us plus bloggers, and some very popular, very successful ones. Mommy blogger market, fitness market, makeup & hair market, all those are pretty tapped out too.

I however became somewhat of an anomaly. I started getting approached by brands pretty much right out the gate. It had a lot to do with the quality of my pictures, so a huge thanks to The Husband and Sharon for that. I started getting free stuff, I was right on the edge of charging for wearing the free stuff, I actually had a brand tell me that I needed to start charging them (excuse me, but hhhhwhat?!?). If I didn't have free stuff, I got huge discounts. Not to mention affiliate links and a whole host of other stuff. It happened very quickly for me, which is pretty unheard of, especially this day and age. I still have outfits I haven't posted yet, stacked up in my closet. I'm not sure why it happened, I have no idea, your guess is as good as mine. But it has been a blast, and I feel really lucky to have lived it these past few months.

I say this bc people are probably wondering why I'm about to give all that up. I'm going to disappear and I didn't want to just leave everyone hanging. 

I never intended on posting about this, I was just going to take everything down and go away. I've always said I will be honest about it if asked though...so...I am having bariatric surgery. I've been working on making it happen for a little over a year now. Lots of people are really nasty about it though. In the plus size world they are either jealous that it's not them getting it, or pissed you are abandoning that "world." The fitness freaks think of it like cheating (I actually used to think it was like cheating, hangs head in shame! Now I know how hard it actually all is.) and blah blah blah...you can never please the fitness freaks though, unless you are looking at yourself in the mirror and picking apart your body flaws like they do to themselves daily. "Loving your fat body is absurd if I can't even love my "healthy" one!!!" "Shame on you for being fat and happy!" Or something like that. So I was hesitant to make an announcement.

I started my blog just because I always wanted to have a plus size fashion blog. I have owned the URL name for years, just never did anything with it (it's not as easy as it looks!). So I knew going into it that I didn't have much longer to do it. I honestly didn't think the surgery would be happening this soon though, I thought I had at least another year to go. So I was planning on blogging for another year at least. But now that I won't be traditionally "plus sized" much longer, I'm shutting it down.

I know this kind of flies in the face of what my blog seems to stand for. I know it might make some people angry. So I want to be honest and clear up the reason why I'm doing it, and why I'll be leaving the plus size world. 

I am still pretty darn confident in the way I look. I really truly did grow up with an awesome mom who gave me great confidence, no matter what. I also have a husband who I started dating in high school. I was way smaller when we started dating, like well over 100 pounds smaller. I was a size 8-10 when we started dating, and stayed that way for about 3 years of dating. Then I blew up on him, ha! He stuck with me through it all. He's never said a negative word to me. He still calls me beautiful, still gets that look in his eyes (brown chicken, brown cow! Kidding...I meant the loving look guys...the loving look.), and has been nothing but supportive and made me feel like the most beautiful girl on the planet all these 11 years and 100+ pounds, no matter what. I'm one of the lucky ones. I also have had really awesome best friends. None of which are big at all, all of them are tiny. They've always told me I'm beautiful and blah blah blah. So thanks for being awesome guys.

I imagine this all has a lot to do with my confidence. Not many bigger girls have a support system quite as awesome as mine. Though I did have a brother who I regularly wanted to punch in the face, who called me fat from toddlerhood lol. Thanks bro. I was able to not believe him though and just brush him off bc of the rest of the folks around me. Plus, he's my brother, that's just what they do right? No? Well I'm still taking applications for replacement brothers lol! Kidding. Sort of. Love you bro. 

In fact, I'm pretty worried about how I will look after the surgery. Right now, thanks to my fat butt, I'm pretty tight still, haha! Everything is filled out nicely, nothing really sags or anything. I'm good. After the surgery there's a very real possibility that I will be a saggy flabby mess with tons of extra skin...I definitely will have trouble feeling pretty if that happens, and from what I gather from my doctor, there's a HUGE chance I will be one of the ones that happens to. Something I've never really had to grapple with, I've always felt pretty good about myself (yeah suck it fitness freaks! 😝). So it might actually be a tough thing for my body image. Womp womp. BUT, I'm not doing it to be pretty.

So why am I doing it then? If you've read my "about me", you know I'm a yo-yoer. Not just your average kind. Big time. I can lose 100 pounds pretty easily. I'm a tough lady, and I know exactly what to do, the right way, not with any fancy pills or drinks, with whole foods (so this surgery diet is gonna SUCK if you know anything about it). I've even managed to keep it off for more than 3 years before. But it's always been really hard work for me. It's easier for some people to "look good". It's not for me, it takes a lot of hard work. Some people can sit at home all day and eat whatever and never become obese. Not this chick. So I get lazy and let it all come back every once in a while. That's life. Bariatric surgery will be another tool in my belt. Notice I said TOOL. Yes, I will still have to exercise and eat right to keep the weight off, because guess what? You can stretch your stomach back out and end up right back where you started! So I'm using it as a tool to keep myself in check and keep the weight off long term. 

I'm also ready to have a family sometime soon. I've always known that I didn't want to be a big mom. My mom was awesome. Doing cart wheels with us, playing kick the can with us, all kinds of active stuff. I never ever want to be the mom sitting on the couch or on the sidelines just hollering at my kids. I want to be right in there with them and be an awesome mom like my mom was to me and my two brothers. I also want to set good health examples for my kids. Duh.

My dad has yo-yoed my entire life. He was in the military, so he was super fit when I was really young. But almost all of my life my dad has been on a diet of some sort. Up and down, up and down. If you know my family, you know I take after my dad 100%. I look nothing like my mom or brothers. I look just like my dad with boobs and long hair lol. So I don't want this to be my life, I don't want to be like him in that regard. It's not good for my heart to keep going up and down, up and down. It's not good for a lot of things actually. 

So in the last year or so, all the sudden a bunch of things started happening out of the blue. I've always been "fat but fine." I never got winded going up stairs, could keep up with all my "normal" sized friends. Even did silly things like color runs and kept up even though I was 100 pounds over weight. I knew I wasn't healthy, but I was young and ok. I was visually fat, but otherwise no health issues and no problems keeping up. 

Well that all changed last year. I suddenly got high blood pressure and was put on medicine. I hate medicine. My family doesn't tend to take much of it. My mom got a hysterectomy and took regular Tylenol for crying out loud, haha! So medicine makes me uncomfortable. Call me crazy, whatever. 

Second, my legs and ankles started swelling like whoa. If I stood too long or sat with my legs hanging down too long, big monster feet and legs. THATS BAD. Just like a pregnant woman but all the time. I'm a fat ass, but I've never had cankles lol, a point of pride for me haha! So now I had monster feet and ankles, and that was no good visually or health wise. 

Then around New Year's my back went out on me. I wasn't even doing anything, I was literally sitting on the couch at my mom's house. Worst pain of my life, could barely move. Had to sleep in a recliner for weeks. That doesn't happen to healthy people. So yeah, that was bad, and I still have back pain if I don't stretch. No good.

The next thing is my bum knee. I have no clue what's wrong with it, but it makes a terrible grating sound when I go up stairs and it hurts. I imagine having 100+ extra pounds on it led to that or hasn't helped.

The last thing, and boys, look away for this one, it's girly. I've had regular periods my entire life. Like clockwork. Pretty short, 3-4 days, pretty light. I've never really had cramps. Been pretty lucky. Then that all stopped. No periods. That's scary. Because guess what? You can't have a baby without a period. 

I've been married for 4 years. Bought a house, The Husband and I both have good jobs, and our business, so plenty of extra money on the side for a kid or two! We are finally at a great place to have kids at the ripe old age of 28...but now I have no periods. Fabulous.

Of course I could go into the doctor and have her prescribe me all kinds of pills to get my periods artificially started, have a dangerous and scary pregnancy due to my high blood pressure (pre eclampsia anyone?), and be a mom who can't run around with her kids bc of her bum knee, back, and blah blah blah. Not for me.

I also developed acid reflux and heart burn. I always thought people that complained of that stuff were big babies. It couldn't be that painful and bad right? Wimps. Wrong! That crap hurts yo.

Oh yeah, and I started snoring this year. If I never have to take another elbow to the rib, or wake up to The Husband violently shaking the bed again...I'll be happy...I'm pretty sure he will be too.

Most people that know me, even close friends, have no clue I have any of these problems because I'm not a complainer. I was raised to suck it up buttercup, smile, and get on with life. So I have. Problem is...I kinda don't wanna die young if I don't have to, ha! If I can control that to an extent...I'd like to. 

So, all of those health issues have brought me here. I'm scared of what my body will look like at the end of all of this. But that's just superficial. After surgery I will, for sure, not have most of these health issues anymore. I will hopefully be able to have kids (can never be too sure about that though), and live a healthy, happy, LONG life (well at least longer than my current outlook) with those kids and my family. 

So that's why I am doing this, and that's why you won't see me here anymore. I have no clue what size I will end up being. Size 12 is technically still considered plus sized, and I could end up being that, bc YES that weight for me and my height is in the healthy range believe it or not. You read that right, a "plus size" size for me is considered a healthy weight range according to BMI. I know this because I've been a size 8, 10, 12 and on up. When I was a size 12, my weight was a proper BMI. So ahem...fashion industry...could you drop the "plus size" on sizes that are technically considered normal and healthy, and sell them in normal stores??? Thanks. 

So who knows, I could still be considered "plus size" after surgery, but we won't know until it's all over in about a year and a half. I might end up really tiny, though I highly doubt that lol. I think I will always be "curvy" no matter how much I lose. So we will see. I know one things for sure...say adios to my boobs. They will be sad deflated tube socks...breast feeding moms feel me! Can I get an amen! Boob job in my future for sho, no shame. 

One of my good friends says I should document the whole process here. She said it would be really interesting to her. So if a good bit of you request to see the whole process, then maybe I will. You know I'm not generally shy about stuff, haha! If you want all the dirty details...you might just get them. No guarantees though. 

Well, it was fun while it lasted! I love you guys, and so appreciate all the kind words you've sent my way in the past few months. This has been crazy fun, and I never imagined it would blossom into what it has in such a short time. It was always a dream of mine to do a plus size fashion blog, so I appreciate you guys allowing me to and accepting me with open arms!